I am on a train to London when I write these, covered by the sunset light, struggling with essay and group work . But writing things you like is an enjoyment, especially on a train with the music you like and the wonderful scenery falling behind.

I can remember parts of the conversation we had, the pictures I sketched. And I also learned much from Eddie’s experience, the cultural differences between China and Europe. In our country, young people always spend 20 or more years in school, not because they love studying but be forced by family, by society, by main culture. They were born, they went to school, they got jobs, they bore new generations, they died.Sounds normal, and boring ,this is the way the most people lives China.Somehow it’s pathetic to some people.

Before we came to UK, a news broke out in China. A 18-year-old boy suicided just after he got his extremely high grades of the College Entrance Examination. He wrote a letter to his family : ” I choose suicide as my end of life because I can see the entire future I will have, famous university, decent vocation, lovely wife and children, and daily life repeats day after day. This is not I want . This is the limit of my life . So I choose to die , I’ve got enough time to experience those things . My dear parents , don’t blame me , don’t miss me. And I love you . ” I can’t say it’s a right choice, but I can’t say it’s a wrong choice , either. I agree with some parts of his opinion . When we were teenagers , we had the passion to challenge the whole world , we had the courage to pursue the person we were into . We thought our time and love were unlimited. As we grew up , we got to know the reality .

You can’t imagine things you didn’t hear about . Like in China , females are forced to get married at young age . Otherwise no one will aspire after them when they are 27 years old or older cause males always chase after young ladies. If you are over 25, some males might think you are devalued, then they will be more willing to date younger girls . Therefore many families worry about their daughter can’t be married in time and will be left on the clearance shelf . And I am one of the girls whose family is forcing them to get a bf and get married as soon as possible. My mother even told me If I want to get a further study I have to get married before the application for higher degree. How ridiculous ?

Many students went to work after BA degree and saved money to support their MA study here , and some of them already have children or even grandchild. They chose this way because they really mean to get more knowledge, just like you. I’m lucky to had the choice for the university I like , and the major I like , not like some of my classmates for diplomas, and most of them NEVER get a job relates to art or design after graduation , some even told me taking a design assignment was totally a suffering . And I’m lucky to meet you , to know you , to see another possibility of my life , to realize I should choose things I love .

This is the first time I am abroad, the first time I have been away from my crowded city for so long . I planned to go travel alone for many times, but my family never allowed me to do so . They thought it was unsafe . I can still remember clearly, there was a meteor shower in May while I was in high school . I got changed , I carried my phone, keys and money . I planned the route to the surburb . I was about to go out , and then my mother stopped me , told me I couldn’t go out alone in night . I know they love me , but I was disappointed, I can remember that disappointment no matter time goes by .

If I have a time machine , I might made different choice or not . I’d like to drag another myself from the parallel universe to accompany me to the meteor shower , to accompany her to all the things she has missed. We might be fragmentary existences while we are alone , now we are living because we don’t want to hurt people.

Last Friday I had an interesting experience. I felt an intermittent pain in the morning, to take part in the class , I took painkillers . And I got terrible sleep, to keep me awake for the lectures, I took a cup of cappuccino.Then the chemical reaction between painkillers and caffeine began . Of course I’m not drug addict, I just didn’t know I shouldn’t took those things together.
( Arrived in London at 05:30 PM, I stopped my writing and started again at 09:30 pm . The owner of the hostel is terrible , he intentionally double charged me . He is the first bad guy I met in UK, hope I can get my money back later . Not everyone is kind or honest . )

The painkillers made me sleepy , and the caffeine made me sober. I was slack and energetic at the same time , stuck in a paradox situation. Meanwhile, I was slow up , I didn’t wanna eat anything although I had little food . My attention kept deviating all the time , I forced myself to concentrate on the lectures and the discussion we had , but I could only get part of them like I was in streams of consciousness. I remembered my name was called for twice during the presentation, once by Eddie , once by Jacki, each time I had to spend several seconds to think about “wow somebody just called my name !”, “Why I am mentioned ?”, ” um… I got it …” .This process is strange and funny.Later my thought drifted to the place you guys said. Like , Issy said cosmos , immediately my mind fell into cosmos ; Sherley said vacation in UK , I thought about Edinburgh,Southampton,Gibraltar,etc ; Eddie said India , I started to imagine the streets, the people, the religion, and the caste system in India .

I felt I was in the classroom with you , I was in somewhere else , I was walking on the ground , I was floating in the cosmos , I was dragged by the gravity , I was in weighless condition , I felt pain , I felt nothing , I was full of energy , I was feeble … ALL AT THE SAME TIME .

I was not myself , I was some broken artificial intelligence or incomplete creature .

Everyone in the world is unique , has his or her own feelings that can not be 100% understood by another person . I used to think there is another me in a corner of the world , maybe she is the one who is willing to share all my emotions , even the indignation , the sorrow , the regret , and the depression . Maybe she is the only one who will never abandon me besides my family . When listened to other group talked about time machine , I wondered what feelings will people have when they are facing another himself or herself . This person has lots of similarity with you , the same appearance , the same character , the same habits … Will you be scared , astonished , afraid , or happy ?



One thought on “00:50:25

  1. This is fantastic Connie, a really wonderful piece if writing, thank you! It’s at once personal and reflective whilst situating itself wonderfully within the context of our discussions. Its fascinating to hear your thoughts on life, (I think you are going to do very well by the way) and your ideas about identity and multiple selves feels like it could be fertile ground to explore within the context of the collaboration. I look forward to talking more in the new year!

    Liked by 1 person

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